Don`t hold back physical affection – even if you`re crazy – or you could end up in a completely genderless marriage. If you really want to know how to save your relationship, start with physical contact. Cuddle before bed. Hold hands when you go out to dinner with friends. Throw a kiss when preparing dinner. Physical affection is not the result of a happy relationship – it creates a happy relationship. It can be hard not to respond to a partner`s bad behavior with even more bad behavior. But indulging in this urge will only exacerbate the conflict. When couples engage in what Gottman and his colleagues call the “reciprocity of negative effects,” they exchange increasingly fiery insults and contemptuous remarks.10 And as the conflict continues, negativity intensifies.
So how much is too much negativity? In his research, Gottman found that the magic number is a 5:1 ratio: couples who maintained a ratio of five positive behaviors (for example. B, attempts at good-natured humor, warmth, collaboration) to any negative behavior were significantly less likely to divorce or be separated four years later.11 By taking the time to resolve disagreements, both partners have the space to divorce. regroup and prepare. Grody explains. They can think about how best to communicate their feelings in a calmer and more rational way to avoid the instinct to be defensive or accusatory. “Most of the time, things are said spontaneously in the heat of anger,” Grody says. “But the words stay with us.” We were no exception. Perhaps the biggest adjustment we faced at the beginning of our marriage came from our different backgrounds.
I grew up in Ozark, Missouri, a small town in southwestern Show-Me state. Barbara grew up in a country club near Chicago and later in Baytown, Texas. Barbara entered our marriage as a sophisticated young woman. I was a real hillbilly. All relationships have some degree of conflict at some point, but in some relationships, the conflict can be quite frequent and intense. Disagreements can be related to what we want and need from our partner, how we raise our children, money, and even our values, beliefs, hopes, and dreams. The arguments can range from quite trivial to significant and potentially detrimental to the relationship. Sometimes people don`t just say clearly what bothers them, but instead choose more indirect ways to express their discontent.1 One partner may talk to the other in a condescending way and involving subliminal hostility. At other times, partners can slide and pout without really solving a problem. Partners can also simply avoid discussing an issue by quickly changing the topic when the problem arises or dodging.
Such indirect ways of expressing anger are not constructive because they do not give the person who is the target of the behaviors a clear idea of how to react.2 They know that their partner is irritated, but the lack of candor leaves them without guidance on what they can do to solve the problem. 7 Markman, H., Stanley, S., and Blumberg, S.M (1994). Fighting for your marriage: positive measures to prevent divorce and maintain lasting love. San Francisco: Jossey bass. All our differences are amplified in marriage because they nourish what is undoubtedly the greatest source of our conflict – our selfish and sinful nature. Start with two selfish people with different backgrounds and personalities. Now add bad habits and interesting quirks, add a bunch of expectations, and then increase the heat a little with the daily trials of life. Guess what? They are forced to have conflicts. It is inevitable. Of the process of forgiveness, Jesus said, “For if you forgive people for their transgressions, heavenly Father will forgive you too. But if you do not forgive men, your Father will not forgive your transgressions” (Matthew 6:14–15).
The instruction is clear: God insists that we be donors, and marriage—probably more than any other relationship—offers frequent opportunities to practice. Wordsworth said, “If you have a good friend, you don`t need a mirror.” Blessed is marriage, in which both spouses feel that the other is a good friend who listens, understands and works through every problem or conflict. To do this well, you need a romantic confrontation. Conflict exists in all relationships. By conflict, we mean in particular verbal disagreements and arguments. People sometimes disagree, and that`s not necessarily a bad thing – you have the right to have a different opinion than your partners. The important thing is that you communicate effectively and in a healthy way that allows you to better understand yourself and strengthen your relationship. It was as if we came from two different countries with completely different traditions, heritages, habits and values. The differences became clear at the beginning of our marriage. Take furniture, for example. Barbara had a dream book by Ethan Allen and she was still looking at it.
It was full of things made of solid cherry, solid walnut, solid mahogany. It wasn`t something that cost chairs, $189.95 – per leg. A conflict becomes harmful if you focus on defending against attacks instead of solving the problem. By focusing on your pain and suffering, you ensure that you experience more of the same, because where concentration goes, energy flows, or as Tony says, “What we`re constantly focusing on is exactly what we`re going to experience in our lives.” Conflict is a normal part of marriage. No matter how much you and your spouse love each other, you won`t see in all the eyes in the eyes. Having an occasional argument doesn`t necessarily mean there`s something wrong with your marriage, but how you and your spouse handle your disagreements plays an important role in keeping you together for the long term. Fortunately, healthy conflict resolution is a skill that anyone can learn. You can solve problems with your spouse by talking honestly with each other, fighting fairly, and finding ways to avoid unnecessary conflict in the future. As anyone who has had a romantic relationship knows, disagreements and struggles are inevitable. If two people spend a lot of time together, with their lives intertwined, they won`t agree from time to time.
These disagreements can be big or small, ranging from what to eat for dinner or whether not to do household chores, to disputes over whether the couple should move for a partner`s career or opt for the children`s religious education. If you discuss the same topics over and over again, it`s usually because there is a difference in core values and beliefs. These are attitudes that may have started in childhood. Ask yourself what the problems really mean and when they first experienced them. This can help both of you understand the problem rather than solve it. Some problems cannot be solved, but with a better understanding, they can be avoided or less annoying. When you`re criticized, it`s hard not to get defensive. But defensive doesn`t solve any problems. Imagine a couple arguing because the wife wants her husband to do more chores.
When she suggests he do a quick cleanup after getting ready to leave in the morning, he says, “Yes, that would help, but I really don`t have time in the morning.” When she suggests he take some time on the weekend, he says, “Yes, maybe it`s a way to plan it, but we usually have plans on the weekend, and I have work to do, so it won`t work.” This “yes-strain” behavior suggests that their ideas and views are not worth it. Another destructive and defensive behavior is the “cross-complaint” when you respond to your partner`s complaint with one of your own. For example, if you answer “You don`t clean enough in the house” with “You`re a decent monster.” It`s important to listen to your partner and really think about what they`re saying.3 Describe to your partner what you think is the problem. Be as specific as possible and then give them an opportunity to respond to what you said. Stay open-minded. You`re looking for a win-win situation, so try to stay objective and keep the heat low. As difficult as it is to deal with conflicts in marriage, we can claim God`s promises. Not only does God bless our efforts on the basis of His Word, but He also tells us that He has an ultimate purpose for our trials. 1 Peter 1:6-7 tells us, 6 Daigen, V. & Holmes, J. G. (2000).
Don`t interrupt yourself! A good rule for marriage? Personal Relationships, 7, 185-201. You are already reading how to save your relationship, so you have understood the first step: you must have the desire to save them. When that desire is there, you need to learn to channel it into constructive steps that can fix what`s broken, resolve underlying conflicts, and ultimately save your relationship. After an argument, it`s really important to repair the relationship and reconnect with your partner. .
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